Here Kitty, Kitty.
Author: The Magic Rat
Warnings: Irate managers.
Word Count: 897
Website – Ex Libris: www.winter-wood.net/ex-libris/…
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Disclaimer: Metalocalypse, the members of Dethklok, and lyrics to Dethklok songs belong to Brendon Small, Cartoon Network and Turner Music. Copyright for all stories and original characters such as Badger the Roadie is with the author, and may not be published, copied, distributed or archived without the author's prior written consent.
Summary: Charles wants an argument. Nathan doesn’t.
Author’s notes: Drabble for iruka_usako, who wanted “Nathan/Charles. Something involving snark.” Here you go hon.
If there was one thing Charles hated, it was fighting with Nathan, because the big dork invariably retreated while Charles steamed. Nathan had no idea how to argue with Charles. His usual method of solving a debate was to punch the thing irritating him, but punching your lover was just wrong, especially if he was little and wore glasses. It didn’t matter that Charles could rip Nathan’s arm off and shove it up his ass; you didn’t hit little guys with glasses. A verbal assault was not even worth considering. Not with a guy who could use “parthenogenesis” in a sentence and know what it meant. So Nathan hid. Small wonder the man liked cats; they had so much in common. The problem was it made Charles insane. He was a man accustomed to dealing with things head on and getting them out of the way. Well he couldn’t do that if Nathan was off somewhere under the proverbial sofa.
Charles paused in the hallway and narrowed his brown eyes in thought.
“Now if I was a three hundred pound metal head with an intellect roughly comparable to that of a sauropod, where would I hide?”
There would need to be food, hot water, internet, and would be a place Charles was unlikely to check. Right. The tour bus.
Charles Foster Offdensen marched off in quest of his quarry, a thin vapour trail of smouldering anger following after him.
Nathan looked up as Charles came in, thoroughly pissed off. Nathan was out of places to go, unless he wanted to sink to the bottom of the hot tub and drown himself. Of course this was Nathan they were talking about. He might just do it.
“Nathan,” said Charles in a clipped tone.
Nathan’s eyes darted around the room as if searching for a way of escape. For a moment he did seem to be considering sinking.
“Uh… I didn’t do it?”
Charles crossed his arms. “You didn’t post me naked on the internet?”
“Oh. No I did that. I thought you meant the other thing you clearly haven’t found out about yet. That I didn’t do.”
“Well that’s just swell. What the hell were you thinking?”
Nathan just stared. “Oh come on, Charles, you know the answer to that.”
“It’s a beautiful picture! You look beautiful!”
“So what? No one can see anything!”
“I did not give you permission to post nude photos of me on line!”
“Because I didn’t ask because you would have said no!”
Charles closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Nathan…”
“It’s a beautiful picture! Why can’t I show everyone how beautiful you are? You're beautiful and I'm lucky to have you. I just want other gay jack-offs to look at you and eat their hearts out because they're losers.”
“Well, I'd really rather no one else was looking at me.”
“They can look but if they TOUCH then I'm gonna have to force feed them their own dicks.”
“But I DON'T want them looking.”
“I can't stop people from looking at you unless I blind the whole world. Which would be pretty metal but yeah I don’t think that’s possible.”
“I don't mean THAT. I mean I don't want people looking at me naked.”
“Well you should have said so before I put the picture up.”
“I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO PUT IT THERE!” Charles realized he was screaming and composed himself. Funny how he managed to go his entire life without screaming at people until he hooked up with Nathan. “Nate… would you have done the same thing if I were a woman?”
“I wouldn’t have to, there's naked pictures of girls all over.”
“Nathan ...that makes absolutely no sense.”
Nathan held his ground. “I put it up because you're beautiful, and I'm proud of you, and I love you, and I want the whole fucking world to rip their own eyes out in envy that a big fat useless loser like me could get something they can only hope to dream about, because even dreams as good as you are rare. That's all.”
Charles sighed quietly. What could he do? What could he say? The big hairy oaf just wanted to show off the man he loved. It wouldn’t occur to him for a moment that it might make Charles uncomfortable. To Nathan he just had something beautiful, something treasured, and he just wanted to show the world.
“I’m still mad at you,” said Charles.
“I won’t put up any more. Promise.”
Charles nodded, and undressed, getting into the hot tub with Nathan, and smiled as he was drawn close and kissed.
“You’re very naughty you know. What if I posted naked pictures of you on the net?”
Nathan snorted. “Oh no, naked pictures of me on the net. Gee that’s never happened before, along with photo-shopped pictures of me doing Toki and me doing Skwisgaar and the bad fan fiction and the weird artwork of me doing Toki and Dr. Rockso and….”
“I get the point.”
“You’re sexy you know.”
Charles smiled as Nathan nibbled his neck. “You think so?”
“Yeah! And your picture got like twenty thousand hits in the first hour and most of them totally said they would do you.”
Charles sighed heavily. “I hate you so much right now.”
Nathan nuzzled him affectionately. “I know.”