A Matter of Perspective.
Author: The Magic Rat.
Warnings: Shrunken ding-dongs.
Summary: Sometimes ‘warm’ is a matter of personal opinion.
Author’s notes: I actually did something very similar to this to a family from South Carolina. I said I was sorry but I don’t think they believed me.
This was originally intended to be part of a much larger fic, but I decided to post it like this so I can feel like I did something constructive the last two days.</b>
The bus had broken down, and it had chosen to die on a road in Norway, halfway between nothing and nowhere. In either direction there were trees and brush and wildlife, and Charles was stuck with five bored, cranky and overtired children… er… musicians. He had often wondered how his mother was able to tune out anything except the sound of fights between little boys turning violent, or the dreadful silences that meant the kids were up to something, but managing Dethklok had given him that ability. And he wasn’t getting involved until the usual bitching and squabbling deteriorated into concussions and fistfights. The only thing they could do was wait until the gigantic tour bus was fixed, and hopefully ‘the boys’ would find a way to amuse themselves in the meantime. Charles stepped off the bus to enjoy the beauty and peace of the unblemished countryside, and was nearly knocked onto his face by Toki zipping by and almost running him over.
“YAY! A lakes!”
Charles watched as Toki peeled off his clothing and dove into the pure blue water. Well at least somebody was enjoying himself. Charles found a large rock and sat down, watching as Toki surfaced in an explosion of silver drops and flying hair.
“Hey lawyers-man, come ons in!”
Charles eyed the mountain range behind the lake, raising an eyebrow. “Thanks, I’ll just stay here.”
“Aw you no fun. Skwisgaar! Water’s warm! Pickle! You comings in?”
Pickles looked at the lake, then glanced around at the wall of mountains behind the beautiful body of water. He apparently had noticed the same thing as Charles.
“Gahd, dood, no way.”
Skwisgaar snorted. “Pussy.”
Pickles refused to rise to the bait. He seated himself on the ground to enjoy the warm early summer sun, while Skwisgaar stripped off to join Toki in the lake. He charged forward until he was in too deep to run any further, then dove head first into the crystal water. He surfaced moments later.
“Is warm, ja?” said Toki.
Skwisgaar snorted. “Is okies. Bits warmer dan I likes for lakes.”
“Ah yous never happies. Is perfect!”
Toki went under, heading for the bottom, a small stream of bubbles the only indicator to his location. After a disturbingly long period of time, he surfaced, holding something, looking pleased.
“Hey I founds a rune stone!”
Charles raised an eyebrow. “You what?”
Toki tossed him the small stone. Charles caught it, and studied it. The marks were faint, but it was indeed a rune-stone, used for fortune-telling. Only Toki could dive into a lake in the middle of nowhere and find an archaeological artefact.
“You keeps dat one, I’s goings down for more.”
Charles considered telling Toki that they really should give this to a museum, but knew Toki would not likely pay any heed. Skwisgaar headed under the surface as well. Charles watched the bubbles wander back and forth as Pickles looked at the stone.
“Gahd, amazing! I wonder how old that is?” he asked.
“At least a thousand years, I would think,” said Charles. “There might be the remains of a Viking village down where they are swimming.”
“Still ain’t going in that water,” said Pickles.
Nathan and Murderface were the last to exit the bus. Nathan paused as Skwisgaar abruptly surfaced from the blue water with a handful of mud, examining it.
“Whad’ya find?” called Pickles.
“Anothers one of dose rune stones, and I t’inks a coin. Hards to tell, is pretties messed up.”
“What are they doing?” asked Nathan.
“Dood they’re finding artefacts,” said Pickles. “Coins and ruins and shit. There’s a village or… yknow… something down there.”
Nathan’s eyes lit up. “Really? I gotta see this.”
“Eh, Nathan? Dood, y’might want to reconsider going into that lake.”
“Why? Did they say it’s cold?”
“No they said it’s warm, but…”
“Well fine, then I’m going in.”
“Dood, no, if you look at those mountains…”
Nathan stripped off his clothes. “What? Warm is warm, right?”
“Well that may be a matter of perspective, Nathan,” said Charles. “I believe what Pickles is trying to tell you is…”
Nathan began running towards the water. Pickles and Charles exchanged glances. It was not often the two were on the same wavelength, but they were definitely sharing one now. And both knew what the outcome would be. There was a tremendous splash as Nathan leapt into the water. Charles and Pickles sat and waited, Charles on the rock, Pickles on the ground, wearing matching facial expressions.
Suddenly Nathan surfaced, eyes huge, lips blue, trying to scream but only able to manage a squeak as his testicles sought the warmth inside his body. Toki and Skwisgaar both surfaced moments after he did, and watched Nathan struggle to breathe.
“I tried to tell you,” said Pickles without much sympathy.
“Cold,” squeaked Nathan in much the same sort of rusty voice he had after the infamous ‘books on tape’ incident.
Skwisgaar offered his usual derisive snort. “Hey Toki. Nat’an can’t handles a little lakes water.”
“Aw, what’s da matter?” said Toki. “Is warm! Where yous going?”
Nathan staggered out of the water, shivering, teeth chattering, his balls safely hidden inside of him and his dick reduced to a tiny huddling nub of near-frozen flesh. He grabbed up his jeans and struggled into them, forcing his wet body into the denim pants before dropping to the ground.
“Dood, nice going,” said Pickles. “You just ruined Nathan. He’s going to be singing like the BeeGees for a year.”
“Pfft,” said Skwisgaar. “Not our faults he can’ts handles a littles gla-skier water.”
“Ja I mean he shoulds have known,” said Toki, pointing to the distant expanse of white perched on a mountain. “Is rights dere, how can you miss it?
“I did try to tell you,” said Pickles to Nathan.
Nathan tried to process what he had been told. “Glas..?”
“Glacier water,” said Charles. “That lake is fed by a glacier on the mountain. See that big white thing waaayyy over there? It’s a glacier.”
Nathan squeaked again. “They said it was warm.”
“M-hm, yes, well, ‘warm’ in Norway and ‘warm’ in Florida are… very different things,” said Charles. “Maybe you should go on the bus and warm up.”
It was early evening when Charles entered Nathan’s room, closing the door and removing his tie, tossing it onto the chair near the fireplace. The rest of his clothes followed, and he slipped naked under the covers, smiling as he was drawn close to a huge body. He closed his eyes, tipping his head back so Nathan could kiss his throat, reaching one slim white hand down to gently clasp Nathan’s large, partially erect penis.
“I see we’ve warmed up,” said Charles.
“You could have warned me.”
“I tried. Look Toki and Skwisgaar grew up in this part of the world, they know all about glacier lakes. They know what to expect when diving into one. To them that lake is warm. You grew up in one of the warmest areas of Florida. To you that lake is bloody cold.”
Nathan made a snort of mild annoyance. “Cultural differences. Brutal.” He gently nibbled the bridge of Charles’ nose, then kissed him, his penis now fully erect, having forgotten its earlier dunking. Nathan ran his hand down his lover’s hip and thigh, then he made a low, quiet chuckle as an idea came to him.
“Let’s take them to Florida in hurricane season. I wanna show them a little wind storm.”