Author: The Magic Rat
Rating: PG with shades of WTF.
Pairings: Toki/Skwisgaar. (implied)
Warnings: I was really drunk when I wrote this. Also – random appearances by friends.
Word Count: 3185
Website – Ex Libris: www.winter-wood.net/ex-libris/…
Live Journal: delaese.livejournal.com/profil…
If you are new to the Rabid Tiger story arc, you can find the entire thing either on my website here:
Or the Rabid Tiger Gallery on Deviant Art here:
Just start at ‘Porcupine Love’ and go from there.
Disclaimer: All Final Fantasy Seven characters, places and situations are the property of Square Soft/Square Enix and are used without permission and without intent of plagiarism or profit. Metalocalypse, the members of Dethklok, and lyrics to Dethklok songs belong to Brendon Small, Cartoon Network and Turner Music. Copyright for all stories and original characters such as Badger the Roadie is with the author, and may not be published, copied, distributed or archived without the author's prior written consent.
Summary: Toki and fifteen baby otters have an adventure.
Author’s notes: Commission for Riverotter7, who wanted a fic wherein Toki had an adventure with the otter-daughters.
For those of you who don’t get the joke with the pony – my friend SparklinBurgndy owns a Norwegian Fjord pony named Toki.
In a hole, in the ground, there lived an otter.
What, did you think I was gonna say ‘Hobbit’?
Anyway as I was saying, in a hole in the ground there lived an otter. Two otters, actually, but one drove trucks for a living and was gone this particular day. That left only one otter, dressed in an apron and waving a wooden spoon as she tried to get fifteen otterlings under control.
Pointy: So doesn’t that make seventeen otters altogether?
So as I was saying - That left only one otter, dressed in an apron and waving a wooden spoon as she tried to get fifteen otterlings under control. This had been a much easier task when they were smaller… and before that unfortunate incident involving forty pounds of fish and a tub full of Sephiroth nanites. Mama Otter watched as her first born daughter flew past, wings aloft, rocket-powered by last night’s bean burritos.
“Pari! What did I tell you about that sort of behaviour?!”
“I dunno! I forget!” called the otter-daughter as she tooted off down the hall.
Mama Otter looked to the cause of this ruckus, which was sitting in a corner, bent over a keyboard, smoking a Captain Black Gold and drinking coffee while listening to Don McLean on the iPod. She bounced a day-old muffin off the rat’s head, causing the furry grey miscreant to look up.
“I demand you do something with the children. They are driving me crazy and I have work to do.”
“Why should I do something with them?” demanded the rat as otter-daughter eleven, aka Morrigan the Impaler, ran by, doing a battle-roar and brandishing a pike.
“They’re half yours!”
“I thought we agreed I could have the sleeping half.”
Mama Otter gave the Rat a look that would have made a mountain back up. The Rat rolled her eyes. “Fiiiiine….”
A few swift keystrokes later, a Norwegian guitar player was peering into the door of the otter-hole.
“I was goings fishings for lampreys, anybodys is wantings to come?”
The otter-hole cleared in a veritable stamped of galumphing furry bodies, leaving only a cloud of dust and the ghosts of about thirty bean burritos. Mama Otter coughed.
“Fine. I am going to the bakery to get started on today’s orders. YOU are cleaning this mess! I will be home at four-thirty.”
Mama Otter departed. The Rat simply tied a feather duster to the cat, then picked up a laser pointer.
“Okay kitty. Let’s clean the house like Mama said…”
Pointy: That’s… kinda psycho, even for you.
Rat: So I was drunk and watching Monty Python, what do you expect?
Toki led the way, heading to a wide shallow river where lamprey were sure to be found, followed by fifteen baby otters. He loved Gaia. He loved how it was exactly the way he had always wanted the world to be when he was little, with clear skies, clear rivers, talking otters, and giant riding chickens…
All right so maybe he’d been a slightly odd kid. But Gaia was still pretty cool.
They reached the river, and all fifteen otter-daughters flowed in like a furry waterfall, while Toki baited his hook. He knew that, since he was fishing with a group of otters, he was unlikely to go home without a fish, but he preferred to at least try catch them on his own. The only time he suspected obvious otter-assistance was when he pulled up an oyster. Toki wasn’t bright, but he knew oysters didn’t bite hooks.
Toki was just about to cast his line, when he heard a small noise. Okay perhaps not that
small – more like a dwarf moose passing another dwarf moose. Puzzled, Toki and the otters set aside their fishing and began looking around. It was not long before they found the cause of the moose-noises filling the air; it was a small fairy, crying loudly as she sat beside a truly gigantic toadstool.
“Boy, soundings likes Murderface afters eatings Nat’an’s chili,” said Toki.
“Sounds like Danu with a full diaper,” said Pari. She squeaked as Danu bit her on the butt.
“What’s wrong, little fairy?” asked Astrid.
The little fairy was wearing cargo shorts, a black shit with white roses, and a long ribbon in her hair. Toki raised an eyebrow.
“Why is little fairy lookings likes crazy ninja-girl?”
The fae snuffled loudly. “We’re related. Who the hell are you?”
“I’m Pari, I’m the eldest otter-daughter,” said Pari. “And these are my sisters – Sprite and Eloise, and Fern and Fen, and Djalleh, Angharad, and Bronwyn, and Eriu, Macha, Danu, and Astrid, Freja, Idun, and finally Morrigan the Impaler.”
Morrigan, her face painted with woad, let out a mighty battle squeak as she brandished her pike.
“And I’s Toki Wartooth,” said Toki, “buts I nots a bumblebee.”
The fairy stared at him. “You’re none too smuckin’ fart, are you?”
Toki shrugged. “Maybes nots. But’s I gots beautifuls blonde husband an’ pretty baby an’ lives in a castle wit’s my friends an’ lots of servants an’ Charlies an’…. Lookings to me likes you is livings in uglies mushroom.”
“It’s not a mushroom!” said the fae tearfully. “It’s a toadstool! And it’s been my family’s ancestral home for centuries and… and…and…” she wiped at her eyes. “And now it’s mine and it’s FALLING APART AND DYING!!!!”
She began weeping loudly once more. The otters gathered around her, making sympathetic little sounds.
“Well maybes you can fixes it,” said Toki. “Is must be some ways to makes da toadstool nots falls apart.”
“Oh, how?” asked the fae. “I don’t know what to do. Pieces are falling off and it’s starting to wither and… and I just CAN’T let it fall apart! Mama and Papa will never forgive me!”
“Well we have to find someone who knows what to do!” said Pari. “We can’t let your home fall down! We’ll help!”
“Yes we will all help!” chirped all of the otters.
“Him too?” asked the fae, cocking a thumb at Toki.
“Sure,” said Pari. “He’s cursed so he can accidentally murder anyone who gets in our way!”
“Oh boys, thankings a lot,” said Toki.
“You’re welcome!” said Pari happily.
“What’s your name?” asked Danu, who was the youngest and smallest.
“I’m Yu-fae,” said the fairy.
There was a long silence. The fae sighed.
Pointy: Really? …….. Really?!
Rat: Drunk. I told you.
“Yeah I know, it’s a terrible pun,” said Yu-fae, “but the Rat who wrote this fic was finishing off the last of the Christmas booze and it was the best she could do.” (I thought it was pretty good. – Rat
“Well let’s get going,” said Pari. “Morrigan, you scout ahead.”
Morrigan brandished her pike and let out a ferocious squeak, then scampered off in a random direction. Yu-fae stared after her.
“If you people let that girl have candy you’re crazy.”
And so the band of adventurers set off, looking for someone who had wisdom enough to fix the toadstool. They travelled for a very long time – almost twenty minutes. Finally they came to a farm, where a pony was grazing in a yard. It was a great hairy pony, the colour of butterscotch, with a white nose and a stripy mane. Sitting beside him was a tiny white pony, and both looked up as the fifteen otters, one fairy and a Norwegian guitar player approached. Toki leaned against the fence and addressed the larger pony.
“Hello ponies! Is you knowings where is we cans be findings someone who can fixes toadstools?”
The butterscotch pony shook his head. “No we is nots knowings anybodies likes dat. You wants to chew hay wit’ us? Is good hay!”
“No we gots to finds someone to fix da toadstool,” said Toki. “But I likes you cool accent, pony!”
“I is likings yours too! Come backs if you is wantings to chew hay wit’ us an’ pals around!”
“I will, pony! Bye bye!”
“Boy what’s a nice pony,” said Toki as the group continued on their way.
“He sounded a lot like you,” said Fern.
“Ja I was noticings dat too,” said Toki. “Where is crazy otter-daughter goings now?” he asked as Morrigan charged up a hill.
“Hopefully to a nursery,” said Yu-fae.
“Oh we don’ts needs to be goings dere,” said Toki. “I already havings baby.”
“I think Yu-fae means a garden nursery,” said Pari.
“Oh. Ja we is can bes usings one of dem.”
They continued their quest, relentlessly seeking wisdom, pausing only to rest, eat, drink, chase butterflies, eat crayfish, and play a few rounds of Zombie Dice. Finally they reached the top of a hill, and there they found a great toad, sitting on a rock beneath a tree.
“Look,” squeaked Danu, “a toad! I bet she knows something about toadstools!”
She scampered up the toad, coming to stand before her. “Oh toad, please tell us how to mend the fairy’s toadstool! It is sickly and falling apart, and she lives there. If it falls down, she will be without a home!”
“Goooorrrrp…” said the toad. “Who needs a house? Come live in the swamp! There are bugs to eat and lily pads to sit on!”
“But I’m a fairy!” said Yu-fae. “I can’t eat bugs! They’re gross! You’re a toad, don’t you know anything about toadstools?”
“Goooorrrrp…” said the toad. “No. Although I am a toad, I know nothing about toadstools. You must ask someone else.”
Sad and disappointed, the group continued on, following Morrigan the Impaler and her trail of impaled pumpkins, tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, and rutabagas.
“I think Morrigan should work in a restaurant when she grows up,” said Freja. “She can make all the salads.”
On and on and on they walked, as the sun climbed high in the sky. It became hot, and they wanted to go play in the cool river and catch crayfish, but they could not bear to think of poor Yu-fae being without her ancestral home. So they kept searching, and at long last they came to a great willow tree; a tree so huge and ancient all were afraid to approach. But they crept forward, and beneath its hanging leaves they found a tiny pool, full of strange fish that shimmered and glimmered in the water. Under the tree was a hole, blocked by a strange round green door. Sitting next to the door was a very odd being. It looked like a little woman with long red hair, but was dressed in a waist coat and breeches, with bare feet and a spotted bow tie. It had enormous pointed ears that rose high above its head, and as it stared at the fish in the pond it would pull at the bow tie, stretching it forward, then releasing it with a strange twanging sound. It would do this over and over, lost in thought as it smoked a pipe.
“Who is that?” asked Danu, her eyes enormous.
“She is the greatest fae who ever lived,” whispered Yu-fae with reverence. “She is the oldest and wisest of all fairies, who knows everything from the secrets of trees, to where socks go when they vanish from the dryer. She even once found the Magic Rat’s keys to her aviary from thousands of miles away. She is… the Pointy-Eared Bow-Twanger.”
“Ooooooohhh…” said all the little otters in unison.
Cautiously they approached, and this time it was Yu-fae herself who addressed the creature, her dark eyes shining as she spoke.
“Oh please, great and wise Bow-Twanger, we have travelled so far, please answer my question.”
“And what is your question?” asked the Bow-Twanger.
“Why is my toadstool dying?”
“I don’t know,” said the Pointy-Eared Bow-Twanger, “why is
your toadstool dying? What did you do to it?”
“I didn’t do anything to it!” said Yu-fae angrily.
“Nothing at all?”
“Not even water or feed it?”
Yu-fae opened her mouth to say something, then stopped as she realized… no… she hadn’t fed or watered it, or done anything else for it, either. She closed her mouth, and her lower lip began to quiver.
“No,” said Yu-fae quietly. “But… but it’s summer! And it’s so warm and the grass is so green and…”
“Think about all your toadstool does for you,” said the Pointy-Eared one. “It shelters you when it rains, it warms you when you are cold. It allows you to burrow into it to make rooms to sleep in, where your family raised you, and it does not get to go play in the sun. It’s a toadstool. It has to stay where it is and be what it is. It’s helpless. And after all it did for you, you could not stop playing long enough to look after it?”
Yu-fae’s lower lip wibbled all the harder, and she suddenly burst into tears.
“I’M HORRIBLE BEYOND WOOOOORRRRRRDS!” she brayed to the sky.
“Boy you sure is,” said Toki.
“Toki that’s mean,” said Pari.
“Nots my faults she horribles.”
“What can I do to make things better?” asked Yu-fae.
“You must tend to your toadstool. You must cut away the dead bits, and give it water. You must build up the parts that are sagging, and give it food to eat.”
“What do toadstools eat?” asked Yu-fae.
“Ask the pony,” said the Pointy-Eared Bow-Twanger. “Now leave me, for the time of Big Bang Theory doth approach, and I have much need of fizzy drinks.”
The fifteen otters, Toki, and the fairy turned and walked away, all thoughtful and quiet. They waved to the toad as they passed her, and continued to where the pony lived. He was currently rolling in something and seemed to be enjoying it greatly.
“Pony!” called Toki. “We is needings somet’ings to puts on a toadstool!”
“Ja? Maybes is same t’ing peoples is puttings on gardens. Holds on a second, I make you some fresh…”
The fifteen otter-daughters, the fae, and Toki watched as the pony stood up and made toadstool food.
“Oh I am not old enough to be seeing this,” said Danu.
“Who’s gonna carry it?” asked Pari.
“I have an idea,” said Fern. “How about whoever let her toadstool get sick from neglect carries it?”
“GROSS-NESS!” exclaimed Yu-fae.
“Well at least now when you say something is a full load of shit, you will know what that looks like!” said Freja.
They returned to the place where they had first met Yu-fae, and gazed at the poor sad toadstool, now sadder than ever. It was leaning far to one side, the edge of its cap touching the ground, and something had nibbled it. The toadstool almost seemed beyond saving, but Yu-fae was determined.
“Okay,” she said. “Toki, you hold the toadstool up, while I pack the… food… around the base. Pari, Sprite, Eloise, Fern and Fen, you cut some grass for thatch. Djalleh, Angharad, Bronwyn, Eriu, and Macha, go to the river and gather some white mud to fill in the cracks in the base. Danu, and Astrid, I need you to bring water, and Freja, Idun, and Morrigan I need you to find poles to make a support for the cap.”
“That’s Morrigan the Impaler.”
“Just get me some poles and you can impale anything you want.”
Together they worked on the toadstool, mending the cracks and nibbles, giving it water and fertilizer, bracing it so it could stand up tall once more, and putting thatch on the cap to keep it cool in the summer heat. By the time they were done, the sun was going down, and they were all very tired. The fifteen baby otters and Toki said goodbye to Yu-fae, who thanked them all very much for their help. The little otters went home, as did Toki, who was immediately put into a bath by his bandmates for smelling of toadstool food.
“Buts I was helpings da fairy!” complained Toki as Skwisgaar poured water over him
“I nots cares whats you was doings, you nots doings not’ings wit’ me until you nots stinkies no more,” said Skwisgaar.
The fifteen baby otter-daughters returned home, and, even though they smelled no better than Toki, went to their beds and snuggled beneath the covers. Soon they were deep in sleep, too tired even for supper. Mama Otter arrived home not long after, entered the door, and paused, eyes wide. The house was silent and clean, if slightly stinky, but that could just be the burritos. All was in order, and the children were safely tucked into their beds. The only sound was that of quiet classical piano music, and the steady tapping of a keyboard as the Rat wrote more fan fiction. Mama Otter set down the bags of baked goods she had taken home from the bakery and slowly looked around.
“Let me guess. You drugged the children.”
“No,” said the Rat. “All I will say is there were mushrooms and horse shit involved and leave it at that.”