Author: The Magic Rat
Word Count: 3552
Website – Ex Libris: www.winter-wood.net/ex-libris/…
Live Journal: delaese.livejournal.com/profil…
Disclaimer: All Final Fantasy Seven characters, places and situations are the property of Square Soft/Square Enix and are used without permission and without intent of plagiarism or profit. Copyright for all stories and original characters such as Badger the Roadie is with the author, and may not be published, copied, distributed or archived without the author's prior written consent.
Summary: The Turks try to teach their president to use materia.
Author’s notes: Vinvalenwind asked me for two fics – one with Orion and Lughnasa, the high-level Turks mentioned in my Rabid Tiger series, and a second in which Nanaki and Cait Sith prove they are useful. Since I have been taking so long catching up on my owed fics, I decided to combine them into one crack fic while making use of a letter that’s been circulating the web for quite a while, and never stops being funny. Sorry it took so damned long. Hope you like it, hon!
Rufus Shinra sat at his desk, and re-read the letter he had received for the third time.Dear Mr. Shinra;
Over the past six months, your Turks have caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this and will be forced to ban both you and them from the store unless you can get their behaviour under control. Our complaints against your Turks are listed below and were documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Rude took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Elena set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Reno made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Elena walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Rude went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.
6. August 14: Reno and Rude moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Elena set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if he could help Reno he began crying and screamed, “Why can't you people just leave me alone?” Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Reno looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, Rude asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.
11. October 3: Elena darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, Reno practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Elena hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, Reno assumed the fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”
15. Rude took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least;
16. October 23: Reno went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.” One of the Staff passed out.
Mr. Shinra we recognize that you are a valued and long-term customer, and we would be very sad to lose your business, but we cannot allow this to continue. Either get your Turks under control or find another place to shop.
Sincerely – Harold Buckley, Owner and President of Buckley’s Department Store.
Rufus sighed and set the letter down, turning his white leather chair so he could look out his window and over his chocobo paddock. He loved his Turks, and they loved him, but the letter brought to mind a very real problem – namely the fact that he was using three highly-trained, highly energetic, and decidedly aggressive espionage agents for shopping companions. He was, in effect, breaking his own rules, but it was hard not to take them along. They worried. They fretted. They prowled the house like guard dogs with separation anxiety and then finally came hunting their darling baby boy, their billionaire corporate shark who had levelled towns, slain competitors, organized movements against his own father…
And had just last week managed to decapitate a nine hundred year old stone statue when he blew up a coffee maker.
Rufus watched his chocobos and sighed. The problem was he was useless. As a child he had never had to do anything for himself. There were Turks and servants to wait on him hand and foot, as well as doting nannies. He was behind all the children of his age group in such things as being able to do up his own buttons, tying his shoelaces, and dressing himself. But… why should he know how to do that? Others did it for him. He was a Shinra.
Yeah and now he was a grown man at the helm of the biggest corporation on Gaia and couldn’t even use a coffee maker. So he resorted to clothes-shopping with a pack of easily-bored assassins. Well he was going to have to grow up sooner or later. May as well be sooner. He turned away from the window and to his desk, reaching out to press a button on the mahogany and leather top.
“Turks? I’d like to see you in my office.”
“It wasn’t my fault and I totally didn’t do it, yo,” said Reno.
“Just get your fine little ass into my office.”
“What about my ass, sir?” asked Elena.
“Your ass is not without considerable charm. Now get it in here.”
“Rude wants to know about his ass, sir,” said Reno.
“MOVE OR NONE OF YOU WILL HAVE AN ASS!”
Rufus took his finger off the button and sat back in his chair, his reddish hair askew as he grasped it with both hands. “What on Gaia ever made me think it was a good idea to take those people into a department store?”
His Turks arrived; loyal, loving, dutiful, highly-skilled… and covered in icing sugar. Rufus pretended not to notice as he sat back in his chair, hands now folded in his lap, red hair still at all angles as he smiled sweetly at the trio.
“Code three in housewares? Using the security camera to pick your nose? Condoms in the fitting room?!”
The three cringed slightly. “We can explain, sir...” said Elena weakly.
“Please do! I can’t WAIT to hear how deranged grannies with machetes made you dribble tomato juice all over the floor. Look…” Rufus leaned forward, gazing at them. “I understand that when you were hired on as Turks the idea was not that you would be helping me pick out suits at Buckley’s, even if it is one of the most exclusive shops on the continent. Therefore, from this point on, you will not be accompanying me on shopping trips.”
Rufus would have gotten a milder reaction if he had just announced they were all fired.
“Sir you can’t
, you just can’t
!” said Elena in wide-eyed horror, as Reno did a flying leap across his desk, clearing it of its contents, slithering into Rufus’ lap and knocking both them and the chair onto the floor.
“Whatever we did we’re sorry!” howled Reno.
“You just crushed my spleen!”
Reno did, standing up and looking like his dog just died. Rufus picked himself up out of the chair and rose to his feet, turning to face them.
“What is with you people?! I just said you will not be accompanying me shopping!”
“But…” said Elena, “you… well…”
“Can’t do shit,” said Rufus. “I know. Now why do you suppose that is?”
Elena, Reno and Rude exchanged glances, looking mournful. Rufus sighed quietly.
“I’m not helpless, you know.”
“Sir with all due respect,” said Rude, “You get Dark to work the Barrier materia when you go into combat.”
Rufus looked over at Dark, who was sitting up and giving him her best kitty-smile. Dammit they had a point.
“If I learn to use materia, will you feel better about letting me out on my own?”
“No,” said Rude. Reno wacked him on the arm.
“Well it will make us feel a little better,” said Elena. She took a careful step forward. “Would you like us to teach you?”
“Yes,” said Rufus, smiling. “Yes I would. Let’s pack a lunch, invite Tseng, and we’ll make a day of it. Could be fun.”
Cait Sith wasn’t sad the Jenova Wars were over. Well… not really. It had been a hard time full of horror and fear and despair and uncertainty. Now things were happy and peaceful and…
Dull as fuck.
He sat up and looked over at Nanaki, guardian of Cosmo Canyon, noble son of Seto, the warrior. The huge orange-red creature was lying on his side, tail waving slowly, a beam of sunlight falling across his shoulders and turning fur to fire as he napped on the floor of Cid’s livingroom.
“Aren’t you bored?” asked Cait.
“A little. Are you?”
Nanaki rolled onto his back to look at Cait. “How can you be bored? You’re a robot.”
“I am not
a robot, I’m an android!”
“You’re a toaster with a tail.”
“At least I have opposable thumbs!”
“And Mickey Mouse gloves.”
Before Cait could reply, the phone rang. Both he and Nanaki looked around for any humans, but the great stone house was silent. Cait rose to his little booted feet and walked over to the phone, picking up the receiver.
“Cait!” Rufus sounded rather frazzled, with a hint of hysteria. “Is Cid there?”
“No,” said Cait. “He’s in Rocket Town for the day.”
“Dammit! Why is no one home?”
“Can I help?” asked Cait.
“No because you are a direct line to my husband and I do NOT want you telling him about this!”
Cait raised an eyebrow, while Nanaki rolled to his paws to rise up and approach Cait. “Rufus,” said Cait, “are you in trouble?”
“Trouble? Why would I be in trouble? A man can’t randomly call his friends for help without his husband knowing for no reason?”
Cait Sith and Nanaki exchanged glances. Cait held the phone for Nanaki who then asked “What did you do?”
“I’m not telling you, you’ll laugh.”
Cait Sith cleared his throat. “Rufus, if you do not tell us so we can help you, I’m going to activate my radio function and call Reeve.”
“I frogged my Turks.”
Cait and Nanaki froze, eyes locked together, each silently asking the other if they had heard correctly.
“What?” said Nanaki.
“I frogged my Turks,” said Rufus. “They were teaching me to use materia so we took the small helicopter out to the barren area near the hills and… I… um… accidentally frogged them.”
Cait Sith pinched the bridge of his nose, wincing. Nanaki actually rolled his eyes.
“Can’t you just UN-frog them?” asked Nanaki.
“No because I can’t find them, they’ve all hopped off into the swamp. I’m alone in a swamp with a helicopter I can’t fly and my Turks are all frogs and I swear to all the gods of Gaia that if you tell ANYONE about this I will hurt you!”
Cait and Nanaki fought hard to hold back their laughter, but lost the battle. They roared with hilarity, and Rufus’ obvious annoyance did nothing to improve matters.
“It’s all right, Rufus,” Cait said at last. “We’ll help.”
Rufus was silent for a moment, as if debating whether they could actually help or not. “All right. But don’t tell anyone!”
“Right,” said Cait Sith. “Not a soul.”
He hung up, then, after a moment, called the Base where the majority of the Turks lived. He had the operator patch him through to some of the senior Turks, and moments later heard a low voice.
“Orion?” asked Cait.
“No, Lughnasa. Who is this?”
Cait heard a quiet growl. Old Guard Turks did not like getting phone-calls from the animatronic servants. That was fine; Cait didn’t especially like getting snarled at by genetically-rearranged werewolves.
“Put a leash on it, laddie,” said Cait. “I’m just doing my job.”
“You’re an over-priced chew toy. What do you want?”
“I’m just letting you know the other Turks are indisposed due to personal business with Rufus.”
“So why isn’t Tseng telling me this instead of you?”
“He’s indisposed too!” said Cait, a little too quickly.
Lughnasa growled again.
“There’s no need to be nasty,” said Cait. “I’m just following orders.”
“Rufus. So if you’ve an issue with this, go tell him. Or I can inform him directly if you like.”
Cait could practically see the amber eyes glaring at him. Lughnasa wasn’t an idiot. A Turk didn’t reach his rank by being a moron, and he was rapidly putting together the puzzle pieces and building a picture. Tseng should be passing on this information, but wasn’t. Tseng was with the president, and both were apparently not able to pass this on themselves. So the robot was doing it, and that meant Tseng, Rufus, and the other Turks were unable…
Cait heard a click, then hung up the phone. “Lughnasa and Orion are going to handle it.”
“I thought we were,” said Nanaki.
“We did! We put it in the hands of the Turks and we didn’t tell a soul. So! What shall we do now?”
Nanaki sat back on his haunches, crossing his forelegs as he glared at Cait.
“You’re too clever to be a toy.”
“I have a very clever father,” said Cait.
Orion and Lughnasa were easily among the best Turks Rufus had. They were trained in stealth, espionage, tracking, and a number of other talents that not even the police had names for. Despite their denials that they were werewolves, they were indeed shape-shifters, and they were in their wolf forms as they ran down the hills behind Costa del Sol, to the swampland between the town and the hills, where they knew Rufus to be. Cait Sith had told them very little, but it had been more than enough for them to learn their lord and master was out in the swamp with Tseng, Elena, Reno and Rude, trying to learn how to use materia.
The massive creatures, each easily as large as a horse, their coats flowing over powerful muscles, huge claws tearing up the earth, raced over the ground, heading closer and closer to the small helicopter in the distance. Then, it was before them, and they saw Rufus turn to face them, fear in his blue eyes turning to recognition. He smiled and rose to his feet, held his arms out, and…
And suddenly lying in a mud puddle, eating bugs, and staring mindlessly sounded like the best idea ever.
“I did it again!” Rufus howled.
The phone rang. Cait picked up the receiver.
“You listen to me you glorified hairball machine,” Rufus snarled. “Send someone out here to rescue me NOW!”
“I did!” said Cait.
“And that went just bloody spectacularly! Can’t you do anything right?!”
“I do lots of stuff right!” said Cait, indignant.
“Oh really? Name something recent.”
“You kin tell me to mah face when I come SAVE your lilly-white arse!” said Cait, his accent becoming heavier as his anger grew. He hung up the phone, and proceeded to stride purposefully to the door. Nanaki sighed and rose to his paws to follow him.
“You’ll need help,” said Nanaki.
“The bastard!” ranted Cait Sith. “Calling me useless! I’m plenty useful! Pot calling the bloody kettle black if you ask me! He’s been kidnapped twice! I ought to hang a big sign on his office door. ‘Sorry! Your President is in another castle!
’ How can he explode two coffee makers and a water cooler on the same day and have the nerve to call ME
useless! At least when I blow something up - I MEAN TO!”
Nanaki laughed quietly. “Well come on, climb onto my back. We will rescue him and his Turks together while the unfurred ones are busy.”
This time when Rufus saw someone coming to his aid, he kept his arms at his side, having learned that materia could be discharged accidentally and he had no idea how to safely remove the bangle about his wrist in which it was set. Nanaki skidded to a halt, panting, and Cait dismounted with the smoothness of a cowboy in an old Western movie.
“All right,” he said. “First things first. Drop the materia.”
“I can’t,” said Rufus. “It’s on this thing…”
Rufus raised his arm, and Nanaki was abruptly a little red frog. Cait seized Rufus’ arm and removed the bangle.
“All right, enough of this! Did your mother drink mako when she was pregnant with you, or is this a natural talent?”
“Just help me find them!”
“Well here’s one!” Cait pounced on the Nanaki-frog and handed it to Rufus. “Now put him on that rock so I can turn him back!”
Rufus did. Moments later Nanaki was once more a big red something-or-other.
“May I just take this moment to state that ‘Frog Song’ is without a doubt the most annoying thing ever?” Nanaki said.
“You may,” said Cait. “Then help me find frogs.”
“What would you like me to do?” asked Rufus.
“Sit in the helicopter and touch nothing!” said Cait.
Rufus sat in the helicopter and sulked, while Cait Sith and Nanaki began searching the swamp.
“How far could they have gone?” asked Nanaki.
“Not very,” said Cait. “Frogs are not known for travelling. But they are known for sitting in the mud and not coming up so try not to step on anyone.”
“Oh.” Nanaki abruptly shoved his head deep into the thick, loose mud of the swamp, and came up with something in his mouth. All Cait could see were two long skinny legs kicking furiously.
“Has to be Reno,” said Cait.
Nanaki stepped slowly out of the swamp, lifting his paws high, head held up until he cleared the water and carried the frog to the rock and set it down. It promptly leapt off the rock and began beating a hasty retreat to the swamp. Cait invoked the materia, and Tseng yelped as he suddenly found himself belly-flopping into a swamp. There was a terrific explosion of water, mire and reeds, and Rufus’ Director of all things Turkish lay face-down in mud. He raised his head.
“What the hell is going on?!” he demanded, slowly picking himself out of the muck. He looked down at himself, covered in reeking sludge and rotting vegetation. “The last thing I remember we were teaching Rufus to use the materia and the next thing I know…”
Tseng fell silent, then slowly turned his head to look at their beloved president, seated in the helicopter, his blue eyes large, lower lip trembling. Tseng sighed heavily.
“It’s all right, sir. I’m sure you didn’t mean it.”
Rufus began babbling and squeaking in tearful hysterics as Tseng tried to comfort him without actually touching him and getting swamp-mud all over his white outfit. Cait looked to Nanaki, who had a rather frantic yellow frog in his mouth.
“Tastes like chicken,” Nanaki mouthed around the vexed amphibian.
“Just don’t eat it,” said Cait.
Harold Buckley seated himself at his polished wooden desk in his sensibly-furnished office, and found himself gazing at a letter, addressed in a strong, flowing script. Harold would know that handwriting anywhere. Sighing loudly, he opened the letter and held it in his right hand as he adjusted his glasses with his left.Dear Mr. Buckley –
It has come to my attention recently and rather forcefully that I have absolutely no business performing menial tasks by myself. Since my Turks are no longer welcome in your establishment, we shall be taking our business to Britannia Imports.
Sincerely, Rufus Shinra.
Harold sat back with a sigh of relief, sinking into his chair with a smile that seemed to encompass his entire head. Nothing could ruin this day. Not a single solitary thing. The mere idea that Rufus Shinra would be taking those high-energy attack dogs he called Turks out of his
store and cutting them loose in the aisles of his biggest and most obnoxious competitor brought a joy that could not be dispelled. Still smiling, he reached out to pick up his phone as it rang.
“Harold Buckley here.”
It was his secretary, Jonathan. “Sir a dump truck just ran over your convertible.”
Harold Buckley just chuckled. “I don’t care,” he said.