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(Contains: strong language)
Christmas Klok.

Author: The Magic Rat.
Rating: PG
Category: AU
Pairing(s): Nathan/Charles
Warnings:  Shockingly high levels of D’OH and WTF?? Total crack. I’m dedicating this to FTW302 just… ‘cause. It’s sort of a literary version of one of her ‘toons.

Disclaimer: Metalocalypse, the members of Dethklok, and lyrics to Dethklok songs belong to Brendon Small, Cartoon Network and Turner Music. Copyright for all stories and original characters such as Badger the Roadie is with the author, and may not be published, copied, distributed or archived without the author's prior written consent.

Summary: Charles experiences one of those moments in every manager’s life…

Author’s notes: If this fic doesn’t prove I’m disturbed, nothing will. Repost of an old Christmas fic from a couple years back that I never posted here. :D

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Alvin and the Chipmunks, as well as their harried manager (and the real- life voice actor who does all three of the chipmunks) David Seville, I suggest going to YouTube and looking them up. Awesome.
</b>



The phone rang, and Charles answered.

“C.F. Offdensen speaking.”

“IS THIS YOUR IDEA OF A JOKE?”

Charles raised an eyebrow. “What did the boys do now?”

At the end of the line, a highly agitated fundraiser organizer spluttered and tried to get the words out.

“I BOOKED DETHKLOK, NOT ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS!!”

Charles felt a headache coming on. He removed his glasses with his free hand, pinching the bridge of his nose. The organizer continued to rant.

“ASSININE, UNPROFESSIONAL, CHILDISH…”

Yeah those were his boys all right.

“DO YOU HONESTLY EVER LET THEM OUT WITHOUT AN ADULT, OR WOULD THEY DRINK BLEACH?!”

“Well I’m sure they would never do it again…

“IF YOU LET THOSE PEOPLE HAVE DINNER TONIGHT YOU’RE CRAZY! YOU’RE NOT A MANAGER! YOU’RE A FUCKING DAYCARE WORKER!”

“Mr. Peters can you please just tell me what the boys did?”

“WHY NOT ASK ME WHAT THEY DIDN’T DO!? IT’S A MUCH SHORTER LIST!”

“Mr. Peters I can’t help you if you are ranting. I warned you fairly that the boys are a handful, and they’re not fond of Christmas anyway. I realize you wanted them because they would bring in the most money for your cause, but they are a death metal band. Were the lyrics too shocking?”

“I sent you an e-mail.”

Charles consulted his computer. “It’s here.” Charles opened the attachment, and gaped like a fish at what he saw.

Clearly they had done some thinking about what they were going to do, because the canister of helium was right on stage. However it wasn’t his boys that caught his eye and filled him with a sense of horror – it was realizing this was a children’s benefit concert, and a family event. Charles stood bolt upright, jaw hanging, filled with panic at the very thought of the lawsuits that would be filed by outraged parents whose three-year-olds had come to see Shirley Lewis and Lambchop… and got Dethklok. He could tell by their body language the kids were terrified. Charles was willing to bet most of these kids would have nightmares. They had probably come to see Raffi, who was almost certainly currently sitting in his dressing room and wondering what possessed him to leave Canada.

Charles watched in trepidation as Nathan approached the microphone in full corpse paint, huge, ominous, and terrifying… especially with little sprigs of dead holly in his hair. Charles looked at the rest of the band, noticing they all had dead blackened holly in their hair. It added a certain level of darkness to them, as did the mirrored contacts that made their eyes look dead white. All around the stage were festive reds and greens and golds, as well as trees and bright lights and reindeer. And in the middle of it was death; a black and white stain on the holidays. Then Charles noticed each of them was holding something, and peered at the screen.

What the hell was up with the black balloons they were holding?

“These must be the elves Santa brings when visiting the bad boys and girls,” said Charles. “Mr. Peters with all due respect… are you fucking insane?!”

“They’re popular!”

“They are a DEATH METAL band! You can’t play DEATH METAL to TODDLERS! Even my BOYS understand THAT basic concept, which puts THEIR IQs substantially above YOURS!”

“I had no idea they were a death metal band!”

“And exactly how can you make that claim, Mr. Peters? The name of the band is DEATH-klok. Not CUDDLE-klok, not CARE BEAR-klok, but DEATH-klok. What part of DEATH-klok made you think they’d be a swell band to play for little kids? ESPECIALLY considering the history of strange deaths that surrounds nearly every performance?!”

Peters was silent. Charles sighed and watched the attachment, awaiting the inevitable disaster. Then out on stage came a female performer by the name of Jenny McPenny, and Charles began having images of the infamous Bing Crosby/David Bowie Christmas special. Not far behind was Jimi Hendrix opening for The Monkees. Some people just should not be allowed to organize events, and Peters was shaping up to be one of them. Miss McPenny seated herself on stage with her acoustic guitar, dressed in a spectacular flowing gown of yellow lace that matched her beautiful crown of long golden-blonde hair.

Almost reflexively, Skwisgaar started to nuzzle up to her. She pointed a warning finger, and he backed up. Charles prayed for this to not be a shocking disaster, and that at least one of the other performers there had some idea of what to do in this mess. At least the kids seemed amused by Miss McPenny’s ability to handle the situation. She smiled and addressed the audience.

“We found these fellows outside. I think they’re all related to the Ghost of Christmas Future. I don’t think they’re part of the show, but we talked them into doing a few songs anyway.”

There were screams of approval from the hoards of Dethklok fans near the back of the event, which couldn’t be making the kids near the stage any happier as black-clad strangers threw up the horns. Miss McPenny adjusted her guitar, pausing as once more the Swedish God of Death and Rampant Sex began edging closer. Charles doubted Skwisgaar was doing anything more than acting like Skwisgaar, but it was serving to break the tension. She turned her head to look at him.

“Behave, or I’ll make you wear the Frosty the Snowman suit.”

He backed up; in fact he made a point of putting Pickles between himself and her. She smiled and tuned her guitar. The kids were looking more curious and less panic-stricken, which was good. Charles couldn’t imagine what the fallout would be if Nathan cut loose with a selection of Dethklok tunes. The F-word count alone would be staggering.

Well at least Mr. Peters couldn’t get them for breach of contract; the boys were performing. Just what remained to be seen.

“Ready fellahs?” asked Miss McPenny.

Charles watched in utter horror as his multi-billion dollar assets each took a large hit off a helium balloon. He then dropped the phone at what happened next. Every time he thought they couldn’t possibly do anything else to either shock him, horrify him, or make him fall flat on his ass and laugh like a hyena on crack, they proved him wrong. He didn’t know what the fuck to do with himself as they busted out with “Christmas Don’t be Late” by Alvin and the Chipmunks, and in brilliant five part harmony no less. Charles would have sworn on a stack of Satanic Bibles the boys couldn’t harmonize to save their own butts. It was a full two minutes before he remembered the phone and picked it up.

“Now what exactly do you call that?!” demanded Peters.

Charles fought to compose himself. “Well I don’t know what you call it, but personally I call it meeting their contractual obligation under difficult circumstances. And Jenny deserves a damned medal for finding a way to work them in!”

“No one asked her to! I booked Dethklok! Not this!”

“Well she saved your fundraiser.”

“She should mind her own business!”

Charles raised an eyebrow as a thought came to him. “Mr. Peters… you were not by any chance hoping Dethklok would breach their contract so you could sue us, were you?”

There was a very long silence. Charles narrowed his eyes.

“Mr. Peters might I suggest that in the future you not call here again. I take a very dim view of unscrupulous business practices, and rest assured I will be looking into the finances of this fundraiser, as well as calling the heads of the charity.”

Mr. Peters said nothing further, he simply quietly hung up. Charles saved the clip to his personal files, and returned to work.

***---***

It was late when Charles was awakened by the familiar sinking of the bed that meant Nathan was home. He smiled as he felt the large, powerful body press close, spooning him, and an arm slipped around him.

“How was the show?” asked Charles.

“Ugh. Brutal. And not a fun kinda brutal. Just… brutal.”

“I saw the broadcast this evening. You guys were terrific.”

Nathan grumbled. “We were humiliated. Buncha four-year-olds staring at us, scared outta their diapers. What’s metal about freaking out little kids who came to see Santa?”

“Nothing,” said Charles, rolling over to face Nathan. “But you guys handled it beautifully.”

“Wasn’t us. It was Jenny McPenny. Talking about brutal – that’s her real name.”

“Yeouch. I thought it was a stage name. Anyway you made the best of a rotten situation. And I’m proud of you.”

Nathan grinned. “Oh yeah? How proud?”

Charles moved closer, kissing Nathan. “What would you say if I told you that right now I am wearing leather motorcycle chaps and nothing else?”

“Just don’t dress up like David Seville and call me Alvin.”

“That’s great Nathan, thank you for that image. You have killed my libido for possibly all time.”

“I’ll see if I can revive it.” Nathan sat up and drew the covers down, grinning. “Oh fuck yeah momma. Leather pants and a black t-shirt. Well I guess Santa came early. Now let’s hope I don’t.”

Christmas Klok.

Author: The Magic Rat.
Rating: PG
Category: AU
Pairing(s): Nathan/Charles
Warnings:  Shockingly high levels of D’OH and WTF?? Total crack. I’m dedicating this to FTW302 just… ‘cause. It’s sort of a literary version of one of her ‘toons.

Disclaimer: Metalocalypse, the members of Dethklok, and lyrics to Dethklok songs belong to Brendon Small, Cartoon Network and Turner Music. Copyright for all stories and original characters such as Badger the Roadie is with the author, and may not be published, copied, distributed or archived without the author's prior written consent.

Summary: Charles experiences one of those moments in every manager’s life…

Author’s notes: If this fic doesn’t prove I’m disturbed, nothing will. Repost of an old Christmas fic from a couple years back that I never posted here. :D

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Alvin and the Chipmunks, as well as their harried manager (and the real- life voice actor who does all three of the chipmunks) David Seville, I suggest going to YouTube and looking them up. Awesome.

Add a Comment:
 
:iconphoneix-faerie:
Phoneix-Faerie Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
That was a badly planned booking…well done to the other performer!  
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2014
Yes it's a good thing somebody was clever!
Reply
:iconsikesaner:
SikeSaner Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Charles watched in trepidation as Nathan approached the microphone in full corpse paint, huge, ominous, and terrifying… especially with little sprigs of dead holly in his hair. Charles looked at the rest of the band, noticing they all had dead blackened holly in their hair. It added a certain level of darkness to them, as did the mirrored contacts that made their eyes look dead white. All around the stage were festive reds and greens and golds, as well as trees and bright lights and reindeer. And in the middle of it was death; a black and white stain on the holidays. Then Charles noticed each of them was holding something, and peered at the screen.

How lovely

“They are a DEATH METAL band! You can’t play DEATH METAL to TODDLERS! Even my BOYS understand THAT basic concept, which puts THEIR IQs substantially above YOURS!”

And THAT is saying something

The name of the band is DEATH-klok. Not CUDDLE-klok, not CARE BEAR-klok, but DEATH-klok.

Not even HAMBURGER TIME-klok!

Charles watched in utter horror as his multi-billion dollar assets each took a large hit off a helium balloon. He then dropped the phone at what happened next. Every time he thought they couldn’t possibly do anything else to either shock him, horrify him, or make him fall flat on his ass and laugh like a hyena on crack, they proved him wrong. He didn’t know what the fuck to do with himself as they busted out with “Christmas Don’t be Late” by Alvin and the Chipmunks, and in brilliant five part harmony no less.

PFFFFFFFFFF GOD. Just... the thought of that. Gosh. It's... it's beautiful, is what it is. Just, imagining that fucking song coming out of THEIR FACES... god.
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2014
I know! Gods I would give a lot to see that!!
Reply
:iconselene-lebeau:
Selene-LeBeau Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Aww the ONE time I decide not to buy tickets to a show *Sigh*Charles e-mail me the video clip! Please?
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2014
Charles: I'm sorry I can't do that, you will have to go on-line and order the Jenny McPenny Christmas Magic Special. :D
Reply
:iconselene-lebeau:
Selene-LeBeau Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Fine...err can you give me my money to order it?*Sweet smile*
Reply
:iconalwaysforeverdreamer:
AlwaysForeverDreamer Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2014
There's just not enough words for me to adequately express how much I adore this story, I've read t at least a dozen times.  XD
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2014
Awww... thanks! Glad you like it!
Reply
:iconfetherhd:
fetherhd Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2014  Professional General Artist
HAHAHAHAHAHA...ggaaspppp....HAHAHAHAHA what an image
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2014
I know! OMG this needs to be canon. :D
Reply
:iconalphonseelric22:
alphonseelric22 Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You mixed two of my favorite things: Alvin and the Chipmunks and Dethklok XD You are awesome!
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013
YAY! Thank you!
Reply
:iconalphonseelric22:
alphonseelric22 Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome!
Reply
:iconsunstroke-art:
sunstroke-art Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
O M F G
The mental image of deathklock with dead holly in their hair at a children's xmas concert.
My new fav go to image when people piss me off.

Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013
I thought you read that one! Glad you liked it.
Reply
:iconshadowhaloedangel:
ShadowHaloedAngel Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2013  Student General Artist
That was incredible... the boys are a lot more sensitive than people give them credit for..
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2013
I always thought so. :D I mean they TRY, they really do.
Reply
:iconshadowhaloedangel:
ShadowHaloedAngel Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Student General Artist
They are always trying. Very trying. ;)
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013
ROFLMAO!
Reply
:iconriverotter7:
riverotter7 Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Oh I remember this! It still makes me smile after all this time and will make the next singing of the Chipmunks Song more than just a giggle when I think about the Boys, helium and four-year olds.

Where is the cartoon though? FTW pulled all her stuff years ago because of people being bastards (to paraphrase Murderface: YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND SO DO I!!!). I can check my pre-09 file but would never post said Toon without her permission. I miss her.
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013
I do too. She's another person Rei and Deani bullied out of fandom, along with Xixthe and a few others. I still feel horrible to this DAY that I did not know what a malevolent little bitch she was. I swear if I had known I would have done my best to put a stop to it. I knew she had anger issues but truly I underestimated them.
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:iconriverotter7:
riverotter7 Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
I didn't know exactly what was going on, but I was making more than enough Mom-comments of knock-it-off or you'll have me to deal with; but then Rei and Deani would pick on her when I was off-line and in bed. Besides, FTW wasn't someone who came right out and said "Okay, these are the people who are picking on me"; if she had been I'd have brought it to Holkie's or some Admin's notice.

It's not your Fault that we didn't catch the little Doxies (and I don't mean small adorable dogs here either) at their trade before they mucked things up so "beautifully". There's more than you and I who are kicking ourselves in the bum. By-the-by...where are the little Trollops now?
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:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013

Well Rei is plying her trade at Tumblr and probably still living at home because WAHHHHH her daddy won't let her move out and WAHHHH things are SO HARD and WAHHHHHH she's a victim. An endlessly snivelling victim and NOTHING is EVER her fault - not the time she and Deani called Wildlife Canada on me and not the time she told my publisher I sold them a fanfic ( I bloody well did NOT, you better believe I know better ) not the time she did a SHITLOAD of hateful things like playing Feral Toki for a bloody fool by terrorizing her and then letting FT cry on her shoulder about it - sick sick sick. The only thing that made me feel as if she got some of her own shit back was when Deani dumped her fat bitch ass like the rancid turd she is after I made it clear in my troll-slaying post that I knew exactly who had done what and to whom. Deani, being the stalwart little friend she is cut and ran because it's only fun being cruel to others if they don't catch you.


Only wish I could have done more to both of them.

Reply
:iconriverotter7:
riverotter7 Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Oh I think Karma will come back around. We'll catch them again under a different name, doing the same shit to other Folk and then you'll be able to Lambast them again and Holkie and I can shore up your claims and add our "Matronly but very Wise and Vicious" opinions to yours.
Really, they can't stay away. It's been too quiet.

Oh, I fully believe that you didn't sell her a fan fic and as for the things they did to FTW they have a LOT of things to answer to me for yet. I never had a chance to get my fingers around the proverbial throats of those little hussies and given a chance, I'm going to.

If they stay on Tumblr, fine and dandy. If they come back, "fool me twice, shame on you...." and not YOU, my Darling. You can wring them out, I'll push them through the mangler and Holkie can iron them flat. Or somewhat in that way.....You and Holkie are usually on far more often than me; but I **definitely** have a few things I'd like to say to those two little slags.
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:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2013

Well if you want to catch them, just keep an eye on who visits my friend SparklinBurgndy - you won't believe the shit they did to her. SB actually saved Silv's life by recognizing she was having a heart attack, and what does the obese hog do? Go around telling people SB is a whore and she pities any kids she has.

They ARE here - Silvarbelle never moved an inch because she's too damned busy drinking her ass off to feel shame, and Rei knows better than to get anywhere NEAR me because she knows if I catch one whiff of her near me I'll mail her daddy a full list of the crap Baby Victim has been up to. But they still both hunt SB for reasons unknown to me, and as for Deani Bean I think she pretty much stays on Tumblr and good riddance.

I've met some trolls in my time but these three take the cake. Fandom fights are one thing, but this was having a serious impact on real life matters.

Reply
:iconriverotter7:
riverotter7 Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
SparklinBurgandy is a friend of mine too! Now who is Silv (is this Silvarbelle) and is SB SparklinBurgandy or Silvabelle? (sorry with both initials being the same it's confusing) I'll be happy to go and ask The first rather than the latter if anyone is annoying her and will check my friends list for the latter.

You're the one who's five steps a head of me, Hon. In this sometimes I can bring the very loud and foreboding Mom-Voice but I can't always catch them.
Do you know I still had Rei in my friends list? Ye Gods, I never thought to look for her. My own fault and she could have been watching our conversations through my acct. I am hugely sorry!!!!
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013
Silv is Silvarbelle. SB is SparklinBurgndy. And Rei no longer used that DA account - she was DoktorGirlfriend for a while, but I think she dumped that account too after I blew up because people who were friends of the people she fucked over wanted a word with her. And I don't care if the hateful little bitch is watching. I hope she is. I hope she knows I have not forgotten what she did and I WILL blow her fat fucking ass all over the map if she so much as sneezes in my direction. She thinks it's funny to bring shit home to peoples' real life world? Oh I can play that game too.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconvlannylover69:
vlannylover69 Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013
This is one of my favorites!
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013
Glad you liked it!
Reply
:iconholkimcardie1:
holkimcardie1 Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013
LMAO AGAIN!  Love this one.  I think it should be canon. 
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:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013
Me too. :D
Reply
:iconriverotter7:
riverotter7 Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
I agree with you two!! :)
Reply
:iconerro-meatbun:
Erro-meatbun Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013  Professional General Artist
Thanks rattie you killed alvin and the chipmunks for me forever XD And Oh gods this was just.. it was just so darn perfect. i applaud you my dear woman. :3
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013
ROFL! Thanks, glad you liked it.
Reply
:iconerro-meatbun:
Erro-meatbun Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013  Professional General Artist
i listened to that alvin song and imagined it was them XD
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013
LOL! Cute.
Reply
:iconerro-meatbun:
Erro-meatbun Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013  Professional General Artist
its a pretty funny movie too XD and these guys are just to damn cute. 
Reply
:iconherradurra1:
herradurra1 Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013  Professional Photographer
Oh thanks a lot.

One year while still married to my douchebag first husband, I had to go visit his pentacostal minister father and his family for Christmas.  We paid a "quick visit" to one of the church members, that lasted five hours, with nothing to eat but cheese cubes and those little oversweet pickles, and Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas Album over and over and over.

Now screaming at the memory.
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013
Cripes, I'm screaming at the memory and I wasn't even there. Sounds horrible!
Reply
:icondethklokbabe:
Dethklokbabe Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
ROFL!!!! No matter how many times I read this story over the years I still love it. BTW what did Charles ever do with that saved video?
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013
Charles still has it. He threatens to bring it out when the boys misbehave.
Reply
:icondethklokbabe:
Dethklokbabe Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist

Oh man would I love to see that!!!

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:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013
Me too!
Reply
:iconsparklinburgndy:
SparklinBurgndy Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I remember this one!  Poor Charles.  That man is a saint. . . . . of death and lawyers.  And possibly the embodiment of Tyr.
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013
Charles: Hopefully that does not mean one night Nathan will bite my hand off.
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:iconsparklinburgndy:
SparklinBurgndy Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Nathan: I couldn't help it; you looked delicious.

Pickles: Th' good news is: he's sahrry.
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013
Charles: No, if he was "sahrry", he would give the hand back and stop eating it!
Reply
:iconsparklinburgndy:
SparklinBurgndy Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Nathan: But it's so tasty . . . . *nibbles*
Reply
:iconmagicrat:
MagicRat Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013
Charles: Give me that, that does NOT belong to you. If you really want some raw meat then we have a perfectly good six-star chef who can make you beef sashimi.
Reply
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